Untitled (How Does It Feel)

Last Friday was a weird day. After waking up to news of yet another violent tragedy for the third time in as many days, I was terminated. No, not in the futuristic cyborg assassination sense. As in my position was eliminated. I was fired.

I packed up my desk in a daze. I called my mom. I cried. Like any relationship, even if it’s one that’s not working anymore, leaving hurts. Especially when it’s not by choice.

Once home, I tried not to panic. I asked for advice from the Being Boss Facebook group. I watched this video of Oprah “tha Gawd” Winfrey at least 10 times. I made lists of things to do/try/learn. I wrote down the scraps and fragments of thoughts that would eventually become this post.

In a way, getting terminated was a relief. I’d been feeling trapped by the amount of time I was required to spend at the office, frustrated by the 9-5 timeframe that didn’t take into account when I’m most productive. I’d been annoyed that I wasn’t able to do things to further my personal and professional skills because they occurred during work hours. I felt extremely guilty about not being as happy and fulfilled as I thought I should be doing what was, for all intents and purposes, my dream job. So many people would love this job, I thought. Who am I to be so unappreciative? How greedy must I be?

The thing is, I do appreciate the time I spent at the magazine. I learned a lot about writing, design, and creative direction from my super talented coworkers. I made some awesome contacts with photographers, fellow stylists, and business owners that I hope to work with again someday. I learned that I’m happiest and most fulfilled when I have complete autonomy over my time and energy, which ultimately translates to working for myself.

Something inside me–the thing that that led me to sell calligraphy to my friends in elementary school, to start a blog and accompanying magazine on a whim, to create a podcast when I had no idea how to create a podcast–has been planting the seeds of entrepreneurship for as long as I can remember. I’d been trying to hold out for security’s sake, but the universe clearly grew tired of my procrastination.

So yeah, this little birdie got kicked out of the nest. But I’m gonna learn to fly.